Deja Voo

6 years ago I took my eldest, Dudie to his first school interview to gain placement and acceptance into our school family and Parish. Today I held my daughter's hand, walked into the school and saw my daughter leaving my much protecting embrace with her first steps into the 'real world' away from my protection.

We all hold our children close, comfort them when they need some strength, love and support. They are piece of us...little fragments of our soul's broken from us to grow and flourish from the warmth, guidance and knowledge given to them. Sitting whilst watching Bowreguard write her name, draw herself (in no other colour but pink) and confidently chattered with the lovely Lady who had been there for us on so many occasions...my heart swell with pride but also weep with sadness. The same sadness it felt when my grasp was loosened on Dudie.

Even now, I still look at Dudie and see the little blue eyed boy that people would stop me in the street to gaze at him lovingly and make small chatter just to catch his contagious smile. The little 9 month old who made people stop and watch in amazement as he walked proudly in the shopping centre. Same little boy who would sneak into his baby brothers room to have me find them both cuddled in bed together, sound asleep.
Mario's interview into school was more like a visit to the doctor's...very sterile, factual and quick due to his closed world. I don't have many nice memories of him little....his toddler hood was painful, and the bad times very much did scared any happy moments.

Question's were asked in relation to what Bowreguard liked etc...then THE question...does your child have ANY special needs or have you any worries about behaviours.... Even after say no.. it was asked again. First reaction was to say yes...Ive been saying it for so long for both boys that its become second nature...but I actually sat back, in the chair.....flashes of tantrums, yelling, flying objects and moaning twisting through my head.....a smile formed on my lips to were I sat forward and said No and giggled lightly afterwards as if Id said a naughty word.

Sadly before I know it...I'll be feeling the same lumps and bumps in my throat as Tank enters the real world and I watch them all slowly grow into the parents of my grandchildren.

Moment to reflect

I often have people ask me 'you must have why me moments' the times when you feel sorry for yourself and the life you have in front of you with your children.
Admittedly I do have moments of sadness, were I fall into a big dark hole or depression..buts its not in pity for me, my feelings or life. I am whole, I have no physical disabilities bar my weight, my mind is sane although sometimes I wonder lol, I am able to communicate easily with others and find talking to new people easy.
I can walk down the street without having to count how many step's I take to get to my destination. Without fear of a person coming near me with a dog, no matter how small that may touch me. My ears don't have to have my hands cover them as a truck passes me as the noise sends chill's through my body.

Some days can be spent with an argumentative 9yo who cant be pleased....others with a 3yo who screams for hours on end as if I'm beating him with a hot poker. I often sit with them, holding them, rocking back and forth until they are calm which can take up to an hour all for a sound, action from the other children or nothing can set them back into what got them in the state prior.

I don't have why my moments.....I have what if ones.

After successfully falling pregnant and birthing our darling Bowreguard back in 2006 that Man of the house and I decided we'd love to add to our beautiful family. After a blink of an eye were excitingly expecting again. I suffered extreme morning sickness, as I always did but this was worse then I had with my prior babies....sadly at 9 weeks I was admitted to hospital as bleeding had began and an ultrasound had confirmed that we had in fact miscarried not one but two angels. We have suffered them before but loosing our twins broke off a piece of our heart.
Dudie was just as mortified as us and so we decided as a family that we would name our precious darlings and erect a garden in their memory.
I often wonder what their little faces would have looked like, what their voices would have sounded like and how loved their brothers and sister would have made them feel.
I wonder what if our darlings would have stayed with us if Tank would be with us now? What would have been their obstacles, would they have had autism or cerebral palsy? Would my little Tank have to have fought as much as he did in his first year of life?

I spent the afternoon in the twins garden today, cleaning it up, crying in my slobbery state, snot and all. They are my first view in the morning when I open my bedroom window and I blow them a kiss goodnight when I close them. Its been 4 years and I still miss them every day.

I am truly thankful for my children, for the lessons, patients and respect they have taught me.
For the unconditional love we share and the laughter that echo's in my heart because of them.

They are not just my children, they are my friends.

In memory of Sunni and Willow who's family will never stop loving them